Yet another rant, #sorrynotsorry

I guess Sunday is my least favorite day again. I really don’t enjoy weekends much. I go to work M-F where I am treated like a goddess.  When I am at home (well, my parents’ home), I feel judged all the time since I can’t keep up with their housekeeping standards which by the way are based on a 2-parent system and the mom doesn’t work full time with additional side gigs. So that hurts. On Sundays we go to church purely to appease my parents. I do appreciate how my dad will come in and help get my children ready, but on weeks he doesn’t I just get upset having to do everything. Getting up before 9am seven days a week is NOT my jam! And having to get 2 other people ready against all 3 of our wills is as rough as it sounds. I don’t have a calling, no one really says hi to me, I can’t participate since I don’t read the lesson materials on my own time. One of the reasons I quit wanting to go was the day when my own mother in law didn’t save me a seat and wouldn’t sit by me. Today I saved my dad a seat and he never came in to the class. It hurts about the same. The lesson ended up in a place about how a tree grows up strong in a windy environment and it became clear how not strong I am. One guy shared about his tomato plants, the one in a sheltered hanging basket only yielded 8-10 tomatoes and the one in the raised bed in the garden yielded 30-40 tomatoes. There was an intense video illustrating the winds and things that get thrown at us. I am the tomato plant in the hanging basket. I tried to be strong but my “other half” did not so I feel like since my marriage failed my soul has been ripped in half or something, and the battered pieces of me that are left have been kicked and smacked and torn up that I literally can’t produce fruit and basically I feel like my soul is a pile of mush. The point was that if you repent of your sins then Jesus will help you back up but that doesn’t matter right now. It wasn’t my sins that got me into this situation. People still need a support system and I’m not getting one from church. I came home crying and went straight to bed and stayed there bawling for 6 hours. And then whenever something like this happens I have to wonder about the quote that the wicked taketh the truth to be hard, so am I really that wicked? No, I’m not. But if going to church makes me feel like I am, you understand why I don’t want to go? Why I didn’t renew my temple recommend this year? Why I just want to be at Teleperformance all day every day working? It’s also funny that at church people get assigned to check up on you and still no one does. So thank you to anyone that actually does talk to me, message me, make me feel valued, loved, and important, I really appreciate it.