Yet another rant, #sorrynotsorry

I guess Sunday is my least favorite day again. I really don’t enjoy weekends much. I go to work M-F where I am treated like a goddess.  When I am at home (well, my parents’ home), I feel judged all the time since I can’t keep up with their housekeeping standards which by the way are based on a 2-parent system and the mom doesn’t work full time with additional side gigs. So that hurts. On Sundays we go to church purely to appease my parents. I do appreciate how my dad will come in and help get my children ready, but on weeks he doesn’t I just get upset having to do everything. Getting up before 9am seven days a week is NOT my jam! And having to get 2 other people ready against all 3 of our wills is as rough as it sounds. I don’t have a calling, no one really says hi to me, I can’t participate since I don’t read the lesson materials on my own time. One of the reasons I quit wanting to go was the day when my own mother in law didn’t save me a seat and wouldn’t sit by me. Today I saved my dad a seat and he never came in to the class. It hurts about the same. The lesson ended up in a place about how a tree grows up strong in a windy environment and it became clear how not strong I am. One guy shared about his tomato plants, the one in a sheltered hanging basket only yielded 8-10 tomatoes and the one in the raised bed in the garden yielded 30-40 tomatoes. There was an intense video illustrating the winds and things that get thrown at us. I am the tomato plant in the hanging basket. I tried to be strong but my “other half” did not so I feel like since my marriage failed my soul has been ripped in half or something, and the battered pieces of me that are left have been kicked and smacked and torn up that I literally can’t produce fruit and basically I feel like my soul is a pile of mush. The point was that if you repent of your sins then Jesus will help you back up but that doesn’t matter right now. It wasn’t my sins that got me into this situation. People still need a support system and I’m not getting one from church. I came home crying and went straight to bed and stayed there bawling for 6 hours. And then whenever something like this happens I have to wonder about the quote that the wicked taketh the truth to be hard, so am I really that wicked? No, I’m not. But if going to church makes me feel like I am, you understand why I don’t want to go? Why I didn’t renew my temple recommend this year? Why I just want to be at Teleperformance all day every day working? It’s also funny that at church people get assigned to check up on you and still no one does. So thank you to anyone that actually does talk to me, message me, make me feel valued, loved, and important, I really appreciate it.

Being a mom in the middle class

I try to be open minded, I try to see both sides of the issue. What's most concerning to me is my own side of course. WARNING: This post gets VERY personal. And quite rant-filled. Do I complain a lot? I feel like maybe I complain a lot... but I don't try to...

Let me begin. Yes, I've had a child before. I found out in May 2012 and then the next day my husband got a job. I put off seeing a doctor as long as I could, because what are they going to say? You're pregnant. I know. You're [this far] along. I know that too. Your due date will be [date]. Yeah I figured that out, thanks, anything else? Uhhhhhhhhh. And then I'd have to pay them. By the time people convinced me to go, of course my husband didn't have insurance yet and without the ACA, I believe I wouldn't have been able to get it because of something something "pre-existing condition" something something. (I don't understand insurance very well even to this day). I was not yet 26 so I was in fact still covered by my parents' insurance, also something made possible by the ACA. I don't remember at what point we switched over to our own insurance but either way without the ACA I am pretty sure I would not have been covered. Paying all the bills after delivery was very shocking and nearly made me broke. I mean, $50 for the inflatable pillow to make sitting more comfortable afterwards. $1 each for the pills they gave and a $2 fee for the nurse to hand it to me! The epidural had it's own separate bill all by itself, but I guess insurance on those is all right because I only had to pay $78 for that. I didn't save any of the bills themselves so I don't remember any other specific costs but I don't like having to pay that much money ever, the total it came out to. Note: without insurance, I most certainly WOULD have gone completely broke. For having a child.

Without provisions made possible by the ACA, What could I have done? At the time, newly married, barely employed, part time and with no benefits at the jobs I had (yes I had, like, 3), just graduated college, never lived on my own or been responsible for all of my own bills before... What would it have been like? Again I have literally NO idea how insurance even works. But I think I know enough to know that I wouldn't have had any. So how would I have paid a doctor? I wouldn't have been able to. What about a midwife? Most I had heard of also cost a few thousand dollars that I didn't have. And anyway, if you have a midwife and there's any complication they have to still take you to the hospital anyway so more thousands of dollars there. Try to give birth in my bathtub? I tell you the thought crossed my mind many times and I watched hundreds of YouTube videos about it. But then what would I do? Would still have to go to a hospital at some point. And I know enough to know that emergency services cost WAY more than regular services. So I went with a doctor! In this country I just don't feel any other way can work financially! And thanks to the ACA, I think, we did it! Without filing bankruptcy or anything like that! For having a child!

For the kid, I tried to look into Medicaid. I attempted filling out forms and stuff probably 3 times and it was impossible so I gave up. Someone made me go to WIC and thankfully I was able to get assistance there. I won't go into this one but it was terrible.

Fast forward almost 5 years. I'm pregnant again. Found out in January. If not for ACA mandating maternity care be provided, I wouldn't have known in Nov or Dec or whenever deadlines happen for enrollment that I would need it this year. I know plenty of other people in the same boat. But does that make me financially irresponsible? If I had the choice between a cheaper plan and a more expensive one I generally go for cheap. Because budgeting, people! I and my husband both have full time jobs and to be honest here we don't make more than we spend. It sucks. I hate it. I'm trying to save money everywhere. But we have house payments, HOA fees, 2 car payments, taxes to pay (sometimes I really hate you, uncle Sam), other loans we're trying to pay off. Retirement plans. Car and life insurance. Utilities. I think his wage is more than mine but since the health insurance comes out of his check it looks about half of what I get. Did I buy one too many iPhones in the last 5 years? Maybe. But honestly, $30ish dollars a month for those gadgets is not going to make up for what I'm paying and what I'm about to have to pay coming up shortly. (This is me trying to see Republican side of things--they call my spending irresponsible, and I can agree to some degree however even if I cut out the things they think I shouldn't have done, it's no better! Middle class is scary, guys. Freaking scary.)

When I went to my first appointment in April (see? I put it off again) and I couldn't find my insurance card, they told me I had to find it or I would have to drop $300 before they could see me. EXCUSE ME. $300 to pee in a cup and have blood drawn, they tell me I'm pregnant. Yeah I know. You're 16 weeks. Yup, already knew that. Your due date is [date]. Figured that much, what else? Uhhhhhhhhh. Guys I found the insurance card (or rather had my husband text me a picture) so I didn't have to pay that outrageous amount of money, at least not right then and there. They are still going to get their $300 though, aren't they?! This is not a problem with the ACA or the old way of things or anything to do with insurance, is it?! Methinks there is another problem that needs addressing... can you figure out what it is? What's also not fair about this is when you show up and you DO have an insurance card, at what point do you get told how much the services will cost? Who knows the answer? WHEN YOU GET THE F-ING BILL is when. I have an issue with this. It isn't solved by the ACA, it isn't solved by the new "plan," if you can call it one, it won't be solved by just repealing the current law.

I know a lot of people pay more now than they did. I know a lot of people will go broke if they lose coverage. I know there are irresponsible people out there who are getting more than they deserve. But I also know I have benefitted from ACA, and am pretty certain I'll be screwed without it existing. I can see to some extent why Republicans don't want it, in like a very figurative way, but when applied to my ACTUAL LIFE all I can think is WHY FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD WOULD YOU WANT TO UNDO SO MANY THINGS THAT ARE SO GOOD FOR SO MANY AMERICANS. I believe there are other issues to be addressed. If I didn't have to pay $300 for one appointment up front, the insurance company is still going to pay them that. Is that not why insurance costs so much? Why do they deserve $300 for one appointment like that? Related note, why did I go see a doctor 12ish years ago because my arm hurt, he had no idea why--and said as much to me, but he still gets $200? Why did I go to InstaCare 4 years ago for a rash, take 2 tests and have them say there's nothing they can do for me (at least they told me what I had, or maybe they only told me what I "probably" had) and then they still get $400? Why did I call 911 when my husband was threatening suicide 2 years ago, the police took him to the ER, they asked him a few questions and told us to get counseling, and they still get $1300? Someone needs to answer me those, and THEN tell me why I'll be out probably minimum 2 grand JUST TO HAVE A BABY, and since I don't get paid maternity leave at my job tell me what am I supposed to do without $3000 in lost income, and explain to me how this would all go down if there was no ACA, and what anyone is going to do about it.

I have NO problem paying for mandatory care for things like maternity and stuff. What I do have a problem with is that the industry can charge SO MUCH for it. And for everything. How are they getting away with that?! I understand doctors go to a lot of school and training and maybe they deserve a lot but I don't think they and the hospitals and everyone deserve enough that people have to go bankrupt to be helped. ($3 for every OTC pill they give you? It's probably more now...) Perhaps it's an ethics thing. As an American, this is where I believe the focus should be. If outrageous profits could be lessened, the costs to insurance companies would be lower, and therefore the costs to us Americans would go down. That's what people are mad about. That's what I'm mad about. The cost. I admit again, I don't know much about insurance, but isn't that at least partly true? I pay them monthly so they have a bank so they can pay most of the bills with the money I already gave them, and if that's not enough, some of the money my neighbor gave them too? And that bank would sure as heck stretch a lot farther and help more people if the bills weren't so much. This is what is wrong with our system, and this is what needs to be addressed.

In the meantime here I am, my middle class self, working every day no matter how sick I feel, if I have to go in late because of it, staying late at night away from my family, doubling up and doing any extra job I can to get more income, paying my bills as best I can, not seeing the balances go down fast enough, knowing every day that by the end of the year my entire debt will double and there is nothing I can do to stop that from happening. What does my God-fearing Christian faith do for me here? Dear GOP, it wouldn't have stopped me from getting pregnant. I mean, come on! My 2 kids are already 5 years apart without birth control! You can absolutely bet that I will be looking into it after this! I don't think I care either way if it's covered or partly covered or not covered (maybe I would care more once I know how much it COSTS) but whatever I end up paying for it will be less $, or at least more bearable than 5 grand at once or more if with no maternity coverage. Please don't call me irresponsible. Name one family in my income bracket with more kids that is not receiving some kind of assistance. I like not receiving assistance, that makes me feel pretty responsible, actually. Don't look at the numbers in regards to what you are debating currently, look at the people. And the real consequences, not just the economics. Stop making this a partisan thing and being jerks to each other on the Hill, and please stop bad-mouthing constituents who didn't vote for you because you still represent them too. I know mine is only one story but I had to share it. Whether anyone reads it or not, I got it out of my head.

Merry Unbirthday

My birthday was last week. If not for facebook, I don't know how many people would know that. For some reason, call me a grinch, but I hate it when people wish me happy birthday on facebook--I just feel like they're doing it because the FB robot told them to and it doesn't mean anything to me. As it happens, for the past 2 years I tried to organize an event for my birthday by using FB and guess how many people came . . . Excluding family, zero. I had fun at both my swimming parties and I love my family but I got all excited and then no one came. So this year I decided not to do anything for my birthday and guess what? It was still awful. Here's the thing: Growing up, I share a bday with a cousin and we nearly always were on a camping trip with all of the Gatrells at the time b/c of Pioneer day, so it was always a blast. BUT I was riding on the fun of other events, not my birthday. Anyway, I tried not to celebrate it this year but I did dress up a little and that small act had a big bad impact on my day. My skirt didn't have a pocket, so I couldn't use my phone all day, and that was the day I really needed to have had my phone with me. The day ended a wreck. I hereby take back all my past three birthdays, and heaven help me if I ever "have" another one. I will be striking it from the record of FB. May I be 23 from this day forth and forever, and if anyone actually wishes me a happy birthday on July 23 in the future, that is fine but I won't be doing anything about it for myself. No parties, no dressing up, nothing special about the day.

Beliefs

I've needed to say some things for a very long time. I finally can't get away from the feeling so I'm going to do it here. This year has been interesting as far as mormonism goes. I've had a few friends "quit" the church, and many movements have been spreading around to create "awareness" for certain issues and at times I wonder myself what is right and what is wrong. But there is a fix for that, for me at least. And that is the Book of Mormon. I haven't been reading it regularly as of late and that has been not so great for my spiritual health, but I still know it is true. That book is from God and it speaks to me. Or at least has spoken to me. And why should I forget the times it has spoken to me in the past? Those were very powerful experiences. And so when I hear "Joseph Smith did this" and "Joseph Smith lied about that" and stuff, the question should not be "Is the church he 'founded' a lie too?" Rather, I prefer to ask myself "Is the Book of Mormon still true?" Of course it is! I'm not going to be a Laman or a Lemuel and forget/disregard the spiritual experiences I have had. The Book of Mormon says itself "And if there be faults they be the faults of a man." Yes, Joseph Smith was a man. He probably had many faults. I prefer not to study them because that is not important. The important part is that The Book of Mormon came from God and Joseph Smith translated it and so he was a prophet. Just like that. Same thing in the church today. The question is not "Are the people in this church perfect?" but "Is this church directed by Jesus Christ?" I see around that there are many people with many faults. I choose to ignore them and go with what I know to be right, and that is the teachings of Jesus. Jesus would not hate another person, He would not shun somebody who has different views, He would not kick somebody out of church for not wearing best dress. Anybody who has read the Bible knows he said to "love one another" and "judge not" and "They that are whole need not a physician; but they that are sick." Everyone is welcome to come unto Him. Everyone is welcome to church. Everyone is welcome to be my friend (even if I am a horrible friend). I know that there are many members of the LDS church who may not fully understand these things, but that does not make me believe that it is not the Church of Jesus Christ. I believe that my church has the proper authority to administer sacred ordinances here on the earth and that I, personally, must still do my part to endure to the end, that I may find myself worthy to enter the Kingdom of God in the next life.

I realized something.

You wanna know why Mormons are so adamant about marriage being between one man and one woman? Because that's what the federal government forced down their throats when the practice of polygamy came about. Polygamy was not illegal in the United States until after the Mormons started practicing it. People who didn't like the Mormons needed a reason to get them in trouble, so they created the law that outlawed something they were already doing legally. The renouncement of polygamy followed naturally because Mormons also believe in honoring the law. That's why some Mormons get so heated up about the subject of the definition of marriage, because the government defined it in order to punish members. Maybe that's why the government is hesitating now to redefine it, because they were wrong to define it in the first place.

I've commenced!

April 20, 2012
I graduated from Weber State University today.  There are two important things to get out of that sentence: one, that I am a college graduate, and two, is less obvious, but Weber State is awesome and so therefore I am awesome for graduating from there.  What a feeling!  I may never have to write a paper again or go to classes I don't actually personally need!  I can read books and work out again!  And yet, there are some things I will miss.  Like Dr. van der Beek.  And Dr. Yang.  And Dr. Carroll and Dr. Palen and Dr. Armstrong and Dr. Johnston and everybody that is awesome.  Also dropping things off of tall buildings.  And practicing on nice Steinway pianos every day. Oh boy, I'm going to miss my departments so much.  I'll go back and visit :-).  My life existed until today.  Now, I don't really know what is next.  Everything is changing and there are so many options and plans can change any time, at this point at least.   So when anybody asks me what are my plans, I really don't know what to say.  In school, the answer was always clear--do some stuff in the summer then go back again in the fall.  Not so anymore.  I don't know where I'll be in the fall, hopefully somewhere awesome, but I will try to post here more often, especially since I don't have to worry about writing papers now!  It was overall a pretty dang good day!  Weber State graduate!

Oh, and I bought an iPad to reward myself!

New York Trip!!

So I went to the National Conference for MTNA again this year, in NYC. It was awesome. I made good friends with the people in the Steinway booth in the exhibit hall. Right, the Steinway booth--they totally brought in a guy to carve out an ornate piano case in front of everybody for the three days. AWESOME! And they had out a finished ornate piano (I forget the name of the design, Chippendale maybe) to play on, and oh, did I play on it. I kept going back too. By the end they were requesting certain of my pieces and remembered my name. One of them gave me his card in case I ever want to try and work for Steinway. Work for Steinway!! That would be super awesome!! Well, I also got to go on a tour of the Steinway factory. Super-awesome-sweetness!!! You bet I enjoyed that. They bent a piano rim in front of us and I saw the ladies assembling the action and everything was so clean but a bit loud. It IS a factory. A cool one. They all wear T-shirts that say "I build the world's best piano." Heck yes.

I got lots of free stuff and learned a few things too. Sunday evening I tried to go see Stomp but they were mean and wouldn't let me buy a ticket. So I went to go see NEWSical the Musical off-Broadway instead. 'twas fun. One of the funnier parts was when a gay couple got married and both sets of parents tried to give the bill to the other, but they just kept passing it back and forth cuz they each think their son is the groom, right? LOL. They also made fun of Arnold Scwarzenegger (the guy playing him WAS actually pretty muscular), Lady Gaga (side note: at the conference there was a piece introduced as "Lady Gaga Fugue," a fantasy on "Bad Romance" for piano duet, that was so hilarious I might actually buy it one day), Paula Deen, President Obama, Angela Lansbury (as a phone sex actress), the Italian cruise-ship captain, the republicans (Mitt Romney every few moments: I'm still here!), and so much more, including a commercial on how to escape the IRS by faking your own death. The show changes monthly.

Monday night was freezing cold (wind chill factor: 32). But, I had to go to Times Square and get those name-paint things for the grand piano practice rooms that I've been wanting to get ever since I found out the conference would be in NYC. Due to the wind, there was only 1 painter person I could find. Glad I could find one, though! She kind of tried to rip me off like last time but I didn't even have all the cash she wanted so it turned out okay. Speaking of ripping me off, the hot dog guy made me pay $2 and the pretzel guy made me pay $2, but I was sure they should each be $1. Oh well, no biggie. I tried to talk them down but I wasn't confident enough, not having paid close enough attention or asked someone who would know first.

Stories from Tuesday night to Wednesday will have to wait a few months until they are declassified. Because they are SO classified right now. My resume is going to be SO awesome!